Our Life in Words and Photos

A Trip Home

After almost five weeks of vacation in Manila, I'm back to my empty life here in the U.S. Going back to San Francisco turned out to be one of the most painful experience yet again. When I bid a temporary farewell to my husband at the airport after he unloaded my baggages into my cart, the scene tore my heart to pieces. There is no appropriate word to describe the feeling.

When I came home to see my husband, I know that going back will be inevitable. I delayed it when I was hospitalized, but I know that after some time, I'd have to go. This was a choice we made and we have to live with it, whether we like it or not.

Ours is a story of every single OFW bearing the pain of working overseas for a chance of a better life for their families in the Philippines. In our case, we wanted a whole new world of opportunity for our future children. We wanted to give them the best life possible. We wanted the sacrifice to end with us. We do not want them to dream of going to the U.S. when they grow up to have better lives because that is exactly what they'll be able to have. Still, it doesn't make it any easier for me and Clifford.

The pain of being away from your loved ones is just too difficult to bear. I feel like a robot everyday - doing my own thing, minding my own business, living an otherwise empty life, engrossing myself to work so I would, for a little while, forget what I'm missing. I'm trying to keep a happy face when I'm with other people, but at night, I would at times cry myself to sleep. Oh how I envied people who are with their families!

Everytime I come home, I feel like I'm just torturing myself. Sure, I'd be extremely happy for that whole time that I'm there. We try to squeeze a year of being away from each other in those 4 or 5 weeks that we're together. When I leave, it all goes downhill from there. It would take me a while to adjust back, only to find myself leaving for Manila again.

How does one get used to the idea of being together a little bit, then parting ways again? You don't. The pain will always be there. The only thing that kept me going is the fact that I know this isn't permanent. I know that somewhere, somehow, sometime, all these will end. If only I could move time forward...