When I first came into the company I'm working for today, I was so excited. Everyday, I look forward to waking up to get ready for work. I love the culture because everybody's just easy to talk to, and eager to help. I remembered being so busy for a few months, getting a month break from the heavy workload, and getting another rush of projects. In fact, there were a number of employees who survived without even lifting a finger in all the years they've worked for the company.

Recession came and there were layoffs everywhere. We were not spared of the massive layoffs that threatened technology companies. It was such a devastating day to see a lot of employees leaving work because they were laid off. Every employee's morale came down. Everybody was scared that they're next on the list.

After that massive layoff, things started to change. The culture became different. It seems that competition was on the air. You have to take on a lot more that what you're used to so you can be assured of your job. The projects kept coming, but people kept going as the layoffs continued on. If, in the past, you were able to survive sitting around all day, twidling your fingers, you can't do that anymore. If, after a project, you see a little break in between, you don't see it at all anymore. You work hard, and harder - day after day.

Now I practically drag myself out of bed to get ready for work. I don't look forward to another day at the dungeons. It's a torture coming to work because I know, the only break I'll have is a bathroom break. If you ask my co-workers, they'll tell you that they feel the same way. We're all overworked and stressed, and we don't see the trend coming to an end, or even slowing down.

Here, there, everywhere....

I used to travel a lot. There was a time when my roommate and I would pack our bags, get into the car, and go as far as our cars would take us. My fondest memories of our adventures were driving in the middle of the night to get to Reno from Yosemite, stopping only to get a few hours of sleep at Mono Lake. There was also this trip to the East Coast where we drove from New York City to Niagara Falls (a 10 hour long drive), stayed a couple of nights, and drove up to Massachusette's Martha's Vineyard from there (an exhausting 12 hour drive). I remembered getting to Cape Cod at 3am in the morning, and sleeping inside the car, on a well-lit mall parking lot to catch the 7am boat ride to the Vineyard. From Martha's Vineyard, we got up to Providence, then to the New England States - New Hampshire and Maine. It was such a fun trip and one I thoroughly enjoyed. I have also been all over New York, driving with my dad from the City to Jersey, to Maryland, to Washington DC. Not to mention trips from the Bay Area to Los Angeles. My second Thanksgiving in the US brought me to Las Vegas, then to Arizona with friends.

The last trip I remembered was to Maui where we stayed for a week. We went there on my birthday in 2001. The next day, we woke up to a haunting scene on TV that we thought was a clip from a movie. All channels depicted the same thing. It was then that we realized we were watching a real horror scene from 9-11!

Part of the reason why I love to travel is my love for photography. I'm into landscape photos, and the only way I can satisfy my creative persona is to go to places where I've never been before. I always knew God created a beautiful world. With those pictures, I am able to stand in awe of God's majestic creation and through my camera, share it with other peple, hoping that in the process, they'd thank God for those gifts as much as I have.

Why had I stopped travelling if it's something I truly enjoyed? For the most part, we bought a house in AC. We had to tighten our belts because the first year is always the toughest. Prior to that, I had a house built for my family back home which dried up my savings. It was supposed to be a surprise to my mom, but she learned about it halfway through the construction. Nevertheless, she was equally happy anyhow. The next year posed another challenge because we were preparing for our wedding, and there were expenses that, to this day, we still couldn't believe we were able to afford!

Now, I still have to postpone travelling because I need to save my vacation time for my yearly trip home - to be with my husband, even for as short as a month. When I'm home, we try to travel as much as our schedules would permit us to, which can be quite a challenge sometimes.

So, until hubz is able to come here, plans for travelling might have to take the back seat.

A few posts back, I blogged about the 6.2 mile walk I did for the AIDS Foundation to raise funds.  I wish they had something similar for prostate cancer.  This is one cause so dear to my heart.  I'd probably raise funds with a little more passion.  I hate the Big C.  Everyday I pray that a cure will soon be found to spare those suffering from this disease. 

Eighteen years ago, I lost one of the most important people in my life to prostate cancer - my grandfather.  I was only 12 then, but my heart was torn to pieces.  He was my closest kin, and being the eldest grandchild, I was his favorite.  When he was alive, nobody could hurt me and get away with it.  Talk about a spoiled brat!  If I wanted something, all I need to do is ask and I'd get it. 

I guess I was this close to him because he was one person who believed in me.  At the end of every school year, he would give me gifts - my incentive for bringing home good grades.  To him, I am the smartest one even when my other cousins actually made it to the honor roll.  He had high hopes for me too.  He wanted me to become a doctor or a lawyer.  He always knew I had it in me. 

For sometime, I questioned God why he took tatay away from me.  I didn't only lose a grandfather, but I lost an ally.  Our relatives couldn't lay a finger at us when he was alive because they would hear tatay's wrath.  When he passed away, we were taunted and mocked upon.  They thought we wouldn't amount to anything.

I eventually proved them wrong.  Because someone believed in me, I had the courage to dream.  I dreamt big because that was what he taught me to do.  I aimed high because he wouldn't expect anything less.  I had to achieve my goals because I knew he was right beside me, watching and guiding me.  For every failure, I am able to stand up because I knew he was cheering for me.  For every success, I knew he was celebrating with me. 

Whenever I'd come home, I would visit his grave and pray.  18 years have passed but I still can't help but cry.  When I remember him, I still get teary-eyed.  You don't get over losing someone you love.  You just keep good memories flowing through your thoughts. 

He had been my angel when he was alive.  Now he is truly an angel keeping watch over me.

I consider myself blessed to own a house in one of the United States' most lucrative part of the country in terms of real estate.  We bought our house in September 2001, a few weeks after 9-11.  The economy dropped to a deep slumber then, and builders are practically begging for people to buy houses.  We got a great deal out of it because ours is what you call a model home. 

A couple and a half years forward, the prices of houses around this area is just staggering!  Who would've thought that a far away suburb would fetch that high a price in the market?!  Houses around us are selling for high $600s to $700s!  I don't even think that if I hadn't decided to buy a house then, I'd be able to even afford to live here now.  It's truly a great investment. 

I took Principles of Real Estate class at a community college a year ago, and our teacher said that it is only in California that values of real estate increase by the hour almost.  I tend to believe him, seeing how the value of this house has appraised now.  Even our tax accountant has discouraged us to invest in anything else but real estate.  Unfortunately, very few places around here exist where properties are still affordable.  Mostly they're waaay out in a far-away land. 

Home is where the heart is.  In California, home is where the buck is.... :)

Ok, so this is what you call weekend - no work to think about, just plain chilling out. 

I went shopping yesterday - for comforters, and some other house stuff, did the groceries, and went to church to hear mass.  I also got the book I reserved at the Library, and borrowed an audio book.  At home, I cleaned the house, prepared dinner, did some ironing, and before finally retiring to bed, did some reading.  I am totally engrossed on the book I borrowed from the library - The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.  I regret not having read it sooner.  The talks about this book just piqued my curiosity.  The puzzles and riddles fascinate me.  I can't even put it down!  There's another book I love that is of the same caliber as this one - The Eight by Katherine Neville.  It's a must read for a mystery buff like me. 

I'm a voracious reader.  Give me a book that'll strike my fancy and I'll devour it with passion.  Have spent sleepless nights in the past trying to finish off a book in one sitting. 

Today, I was tempted to log on to work, but stopped myself.  I deserved this kind of a weekend, and so I continued on with my reading.  I also went back to doing my home study program in Professional Photography.  I am also going to devote some time to review for the Real Estate State Licensure exam.  I have long since finished the course in Principles of Real Estate (for which I got an A), and it's about time I really became serious about reviewing for the state test.  Been putting it off for a while. 

Finally, a weekend I can call truly call my own.  I am able to do the things that I love.   

Have you ever had a day when you feel you're just about ready to scream?  Ever felt like everyone is out to get you, or that they're actually conniving to piss you off?  You just want the day to end, right?  Well, I have that feeling today.

There's a project that I'm working on where the customers and analysts are driving me insane!  They're a bunch of micro managers who want to dictate how the project should progress.   They're constantly craving for attention - asking dozens of questions - some are even petty ones.  Don't they realize that they need to leave us alone if they want their project implemented on time and of good quality?  We've had this walkthru with them a couple of weeks back, and until now, they're still asking for clarifications.  When will this ever end?  They're draining my energy and it's like babysitting for a bunch of toddlers - spoonfeeding and all.

Next, you have people trying to do your job for you.  Well, what the heck am I here for, maggoo?  Too many hands in the pod ain't good because it creates too much confusion (which is the last thing everybody needs right now).  And boy, these people are bossy too!  Hellooo - does teamwork ever ring a bell?  I'm the lead and if you can't accept that, then tough bananas!

I was planning to leave early today, but at the rate things are going, it might not happen again.  You see, everytime I plan to leave early, something holds me back, and I end up leaving even later than my normal end of work schedule.  Am I not supposed to have a life outside of work?  Don't I deserve an early start on the weekend?  I have been working my butt off all week and the weekend is a small reward for that!

I know I sound like I'm complaining but I truly am not having a good week.

My office desk and computer got soaked when I dropped the water globe sitting on my overhead cabinet. 

I'm still waiting on something before I could go home.

I was just told that some of the code we're expecting today wouldn't get moved because of a production problem.

Our system has been extremely slow today.

Sigh!

Tomorrow's another day!

Hi-ho, hi-ho, off to work we go....

A teammate today asked "is leadership stressing you out?", to which I replied with a shrug. 

To tell you honestly, it's really stressful, but I can't complain. For one, I still have a job (while dozens are losing theirs everyday). Next, I just got a promotion, and the bar has been lifted up in terms of expectations. Third, it's truly a big release - the biggest our company has ever seen so far. Fourth, I'm not the only one stressed. Everyone in our department is working as hard - we just have a lot on our plates right now. Lastly, that only meant I can see myself employed for the next few months, so long as projects keep coming. 

There was a time in the past when being overworked is not a good thing. People leave the company when they feel they're being run down to the point of exhaustion. Now, being overworked meant you have a job. 

You just have to take each day as it comes, and look at the brigher side of things.

Cyber Hugs

I wanted to give a tight hug to a friend so badly today. I also wish I could be beside her to console her. She has a big problem right now, and all I can do is talk to her over the phone and listen. It's tough not to have a family beside you, especially at this time. I can relate because when things put me down (not as big as this one though), I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I'd fall into self-pity because I feel I'm out here on my own. Call it the challenge of living overseas and apart from a support system we fondly call family.

I have you in my prayers, dearie. Hang in there! I'm sure you'll be able to bounce back because you're one tough cookie. In the meantime, know that I'm always here for you.

Hugs, hugs, hugs!

Catching up....

Time to catch up on activities I have been busy with these past few weeks. I haven't updated my journal for a while because my busy schedule just won't allow me to. Good thing I discovered that I can do my updates via email.

A couple of weeks ago, I met some n@wies. We had lunch at Applebee's in Union City (which I drove about an hour to get to). I have had the priviledge of meeting Josephine (finally) and Auey. There were also n@w kids with them - Axel (Auey's cute little angel), and Jake (Josephine's precious little one). Then of course there's a n@w husband, Nelson - Josephine's hubby. I hope he didn't feel out of place - being the only husband there and all.

I was so happy to finally meet Josephine. Our first attempt resulted in me standing them up at Starbucks in AC. It was just a mile away from the house, but I was having a bad case of dysmenorrhea and PMS that time. I took a nap, hoping to alleviate the pain, but the battery on my cellphone died while I was sleeping, so the alarm didn't go off. I felt so bad about that incident, and I promised I'll take them out to lunch to make up for that time. Hopefully, that n@wie get-together isn't the last time I'd see Josephine. She's a real sweetie. I'd love having her as a friend. Maybe in one of their future trips to AC (her in-laws live nearby our hourse), we can have a barbeque at home - as soon as the house is back to its original shape.

I am also equally happy to see and meet Auey in person.   That girl is just oozing with creativity and talent.  She's up there on my list as one of those photographers I truly admire.  What's great is that she's a woman!  I'd be extremely contented if I am half as good as her.   I hope she'd truly consider migrating to the Bay Area. 

On Sunday, I joined AIDS Walk in San Francisco. With a few friends, we raised funds and walked for a total of 6.2 miles (10 kilometers)! After the walk, I was so exhausted I can barely lift my legs. It was then that I realized I probably wasn't fit at all. My other friends didn't even endure physical pain because they regularly work out. Of course we were all tired, but at least they didn't feel sore at all. The only consolation I have right now (amidst the pain) is that I was able to raise $440 for the AIDS Foundation.  Add to that the fact that I was able to see the handsome Mayor Gavin Newsome.

Lastly, the house is getting back to its original state. We had molds problem a few months ago, which the builder gladly fixed. It has been a month since they first started correcting the problem. At least now, the family room window is back up, painting is done, no more molds, and the carpet has been replaced, the blinds have been re-installed. The only thing left to do I guess, is to put up the drapes to make it look like it did before the molds problem, if not better.

A Faithful Companion

Sage just had an extreme make-over. He's now as handsome as ever - a close resemblance from his original state when I first got him. Sage and I have been together for 6 years come Sept. 12. He has never given me a problem, always there when I needed him, and always a good companion through and through. It's just sad that I had neglected taking care of him. He would slam on walls or scratch himself whenever he's with me. He has endured a lot of wounds because of my carelessness.

Since he has been a faithful companion and partner, I promised him I'd give him an extreme makeover one day, which I did when my finances allowed me to. Now, I'm quite happy (and I know he is too). It pays to have a scratch-free, shiny, well-polished, and clean car!

On tying the knot and having kids...

A couple of years or so ago, I was plagued by the never-ending question – “when are you getting married? You’re not getting any younger you know” or “your biological clock is ticking girl – better get yourself a man”. Of course I was bothered! Seven years ago, if I was asked that question, I’d simply shrug it off and say “I’m immensely enjoying my life, and I don’t need a husband to make me feel that”.

To me, marriage isn’t something you look for. It comes to you when the time is perfect, and when the person whom you would declare your undying love is right. I wasn’t ready then to get married because I have a lot of things that I wanted to do with my life. I do not want to get married and find myself that later, as I grow old, I’d regret not having followed my dreams. I hate to sour-grape. I wanted to grow old and be able to tell amazing stories to my grandchildren – places I’ve seen, things I was able to do, people I was able to meet, challenges I was able to face and overcome. I wanted to grow and prepare myself for a life of commitment and responsibilities.

At 28, my grandma started to nag on me to get married. She was afraid that I’d end up an old maid. It was then that I knew that the time is right – not because she was nagging at me, but because I know I was ready. So when Clifford finally expressed his intention, I happily said yes. It was probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I cannot begin to imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but him. I love and adore my husband immensely. I cannot even imagine that I have the ability to love like this.

Now that we’re married, the questions became different. It’s no longer about when we’re getting married, but rather when we’re going to have children. Of course we want to have kids. It’s not as if we’re not trying. We just see it as God’s way of telling us “it’s not the right time yet”. Whatever the reasons are, we believe in our hearts that God knows of a perfect time. It’s just painful how people would ask sometimes. I just wish they’d be sensitive to how they’d feel if they’d walk a mile in our shoes.

There’s an article I read that got through to me – “a woman shouldn't be measured by her ability to bear children. Likewise, it doesn't make her less of a woman just because she can't have or she opted not to have kids”. For me, it’s not just meant for women per se, it’s meant for the couple in general.

Lastly, I married my husband not just because he could give me kids, and I believe he married me not because I can bear children. We married each other because we wanted to grow old together. We married each other because we couldn’t imagine living with anyone else. We married each other because of love… And you couldn't find a better reason that that.