A Trip Home
After almost five weeks of vacation in Manila, I'm back to my empty life here in the U.S. Going back to San Francisco turned out to be one of the most painful experience yet again. When I bid a temporary farewell to my husband at the airport after he unloaded my baggages into my cart, the scene tore my heart to pieces. There is no appropriate word to describe the feeling.
When I came home to see my husband, I know that going back will be inevitable. I delayed it when I was hospitalized, but I know that after some time, I'd have to go. This was a choice we made and we have to live with it, whether we like it or not.
Ours is a story of every single OFW bearing the pain of working overseas for a chance of a better life for their families in the Philippines. In our case, we wanted a whole new world of opportunity for our future children. We wanted to give them the best life possible. We wanted the sacrifice to end with us. We do not want them to dream of going to the U.S. when they grow up to have better lives because that is exactly what they'll be able to have. Still, it doesn't make it any easier for me and Clifford.
The pain of being away from your loved ones is just too difficult to bear. I feel like a robot everyday - doing my own thing, minding my own business, living an otherwise empty life, engrossing myself to work so I would, for a little while, forget what I'm missing. I'm trying to keep a happy face when I'm with other people, but at night, I would at times cry myself to sleep. Oh how I envied people who are with their families!
Everytime I come home, I feel like I'm just torturing myself. Sure, I'd be extremely happy for that whole time that I'm there. We try to squeeze a year of being away from each other in those 4 or 5 weeks that we're together. When I leave, it all goes downhill from there. It would take me a while to adjust back, only to find myself leaving for Manila again.
How does one get used to the idea of being together a little bit, then parting ways again? You don't. The pain will always be there. The only thing that kept me going is the fact that I know this isn't permanent. I know that somewhere, somehow, sometime, all these will end. If only I could move time forward...
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Monday, April 12, 2004
The likes of Milan...
I watched the movie "Milan" over the weekend. It was a love story with a social commentary twist. It's sad how Filipinos would leave their families behind - even a decent job in the Philippines to risk being an illegal worker elsewhere. Working two or three jobs at a time to support their needs overseas, plus to support a dependent family in the Philippines is the norm for an overseas worker. Most become domestic helpers, entertainers, and worse, prostitutes...
This wasn't what our national hero, Jose Rizal, dreamt for the Filipino youth. It certainly wasn't what Ninoy Aquino died for. Why leave everything for a chance to go abroad? Lots of things - money, the opportunity for a better life, a chance for a better future for their families, the hopelessness of Philippine politics, corruption in the government, a measly paying decent job in the Philippines which isn't enough to support a family. These are sad but startling reality.
The Presidential election is coming up again. As usual, we have celebrities running for public office. As usual, they have leading edge over their opponents due to their popularity and "masa" appeal. The last one ended in jail for corruption, not to mention incompetence. Didn't we learn our lesson? Didn't we just stage another People Power in Edsa to overthrow that kind of government? Then why, oh why, vote for another one like him? What's worse, they're kumpadres! For the life of me, help me understand...
Should I be proud that I am a Filipino when we are the laughingstock of other countries because of the kind of politics we continue to support, and the people we vote over and over again? The peso continues to drop against the US dollar. For someone like me who works overseas, but supports a family back home, it only meant that I am getting my money's worth. For a common Juan dela Cruz who works for a modest wage and feeds a family of 12, they will probably suffer from starvation and malnutrition. They are, however, the same people who vote for incompetent people to power. It may be the lack of decent food on their table that the "masa" continues to vote for these celebrities who know only to entertain, but who know nothing of resurrecting a dying econony to life.
I wonder if Jose Rizal and Ninoy Aquino are tossing and turning on their graves right now. I can't really blame them. We need a miracle to save our economy. We need divine intercession to resolve corruption in the government. Most of all, we need brain surgery to change our way of thinking and of voting.
God help us all!
I watched the movie "Milan" over the weekend. It was a love story with a social commentary twist. It's sad how Filipinos would leave their families behind - even a decent job in the Philippines to risk being an illegal worker elsewhere. Working two or three jobs at a time to support their needs overseas, plus to support a dependent family in the Philippines is the norm for an overseas worker. Most become domestic helpers, entertainers, and worse, prostitutes...
This wasn't what our national hero, Jose Rizal, dreamt for the Filipino youth. It certainly wasn't what Ninoy Aquino died for. Why leave everything for a chance to go abroad? Lots of things - money, the opportunity for a better life, a chance for a better future for their families, the hopelessness of Philippine politics, corruption in the government, a measly paying decent job in the Philippines which isn't enough to support a family. These are sad but startling reality.
The Presidential election is coming up again. As usual, we have celebrities running for public office. As usual, they have leading edge over their opponents due to their popularity and "masa" appeal. The last one ended in jail for corruption, not to mention incompetence. Didn't we learn our lesson? Didn't we just stage another People Power in Edsa to overthrow that kind of government? Then why, oh why, vote for another one like him? What's worse, they're kumpadres! For the life of me, help me understand...
Should I be proud that I am a Filipino when we are the laughingstock of other countries because of the kind of politics we continue to support, and the people we vote over and over again? The peso continues to drop against the US dollar. For someone like me who works overseas, but supports a family back home, it only meant that I am getting my money's worth. For a common Juan dela Cruz who works for a modest wage and feeds a family of 12, they will probably suffer from starvation and malnutrition. They are, however, the same people who vote for incompetent people to power. It may be the lack of decent food on their table that the "masa" continues to vote for these celebrities who know only to entertain, but who know nothing of resurrecting a dying econony to life.
I wonder if Jose Rizal and Ninoy Aquino are tossing and turning on their graves right now. I can't really blame them. We need a miracle to save our economy. We need divine intercession to resolve corruption in the government. Most of all, we need brain surgery to change our way of thinking and of voting.
God help us all!
Friday, April 09, 2004
A Lenten Journey…
“He came to pay a debt He never owed because we owe a debt we couldn’t pay”.
A couple of days ago, I was complaining of muscle ache from hiking two miles uphill to see the beautiful seqouia trees in Yosemite. The road was closed and we had to hike up to see this awesome sight.
One Friday thousands of years ago, an innocent man walked uphill for miles towards Golgotha. He was carrying a heavy cross, beaten, profusely bleeding from the crown of thorns on His head and from being flogged, He was vandalized, mocked, spit upon, hit. His name is Jesus Christ. The Bible never once mentioned that He complained of pain. He suffered and died on the Cross so that He could free us from our sins. What a price to pay for someone you love!
Mel Gibson’s movie “The Passion of the Christ” portrayed a scene that for many years have been downplayed. My Paschal journey will never be the same again. I’ve seen the movie a few days after Ash Wednesday. It was an experience I could never forget. I’ve never cried as hard for any film ever. It was then that the truth hit me hard and fast. Jesus suffered an unimaginable death and torture He did not deserve.
Looking at the world today, I am prompted to ask myself if Jesus suffered and died in vain. The war in Iraq has claimed hundreds, if not thousands of lives because of senseless killings. There is too much corruption everywhere. Sex and violence is prevalent everywhere you look.
During communion, the minister said “The Body of Christ” in which I replied “Thank You” instead of “Amen”. My lips echoed the feeling in my heart. I am eternally grateful because despite my sinfulness, Jesus loved me enough to die for me. My challenge as a Christian is to strive to be deserving of this love.
“He came to pay a debt He never owed because we owe a debt we couldn’t pay”.
A couple of days ago, I was complaining of muscle ache from hiking two miles uphill to see the beautiful seqouia trees in Yosemite. The road was closed and we had to hike up to see this awesome sight.
One Friday thousands of years ago, an innocent man walked uphill for miles towards Golgotha. He was carrying a heavy cross, beaten, profusely bleeding from the crown of thorns on His head and from being flogged, He was vandalized, mocked, spit upon, hit. His name is Jesus Christ. The Bible never once mentioned that He complained of pain. He suffered and died on the Cross so that He could free us from our sins. What a price to pay for someone you love!
Mel Gibson’s movie “The Passion of the Christ” portrayed a scene that for many years have been downplayed. My Paschal journey will never be the same again. I’ve seen the movie a few days after Ash Wednesday. It was an experience I could never forget. I’ve never cried as hard for any film ever. It was then that the truth hit me hard and fast. Jesus suffered an unimaginable death and torture He did not deserve.
Looking at the world today, I am prompted to ask myself if Jesus suffered and died in vain. The war in Iraq has claimed hundreds, if not thousands of lives because of senseless killings. There is too much corruption everywhere. Sex and violence is prevalent everywhere you look.
During communion, the minister said “The Body of Christ” in which I replied “Thank You” instead of “Amen”. My lips echoed the feeling in my heart. I am eternally grateful because despite my sinfulness, Jesus loved me enough to die for me. My challenge as a Christian is to strive to be deserving of this love.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Blessed be…
When I got my first car, a close friend asked what a poor girl from the Philippines felt. There was one word to describe it – “blessed”.
I was born to a modest family of four. We had very little when we were growing up, but that did not stop my parents from dreaming big for their children. They gave us opportunities they never had – education they couldn’t even afford. Relatives and friends have told them that they were too ambitious, sending kids to reputable schools while we barely had anything to eat. Many times in the past, I almost stopped schooling because we couldn’t pay my school fees. It was then that I witnessed God’s hand at work. I even remembered crying almost every night – praying and begging to finish school.
As as student, I was dead serious about it. I made sure I had good grades - even qualifying for partial scholarships. In college, I had been a working student, sometimes coming to class with only transportation fee going in, but didn’t have money going home. I would make my classmates’ assignments, programs, term papers, book reports, in order to get a freebie lunch, an occasional ride home, or transportation fare to go home. It was tough, but I was a survivor.
I couldn’t forget the day when I finally graduated from college. My mom had tears in her eyes while walking down the aisle with me. She was very happy and very, very proud. I was in cloud nine. My graduation had been a tribute to my parents, and to close family who helped us get there. It was such an impossible dream come true.
I got my first job, but we were also evicted from the home I was born and raised in. My father’s family had to sell the property because he couldn’t keep up with the payments. It was sad, but it signalled a new beginning for the three of us – my mom, my brother, and me. I became the family’s breadwinner, and I accepted it wholeheartedly. They gave up a lot of things for me, and I was not going to leave them on their own. With a measly salary, I knew I had to find the means to work overseas – where there are plenty of opportunities, and where I can help my family even more.
After two jobs in the Philippines, my prayers were heard. I found myself leaving for San Francisco in 1997. Embarking on a new Information Technology career in 1998. Got my first car in September of 1998, 2 days past my birthday. I was 25 then, but a whole new world seemed to have opened up for me.
I was 24 when I set foot in the US, and got employed at theworld’s leading credit card company. At 27, I had a house built for my family in the Philippines. By the time I turned 28, I co-owned a house in California with my roommate of almost four years. At 30, I was married to my boyfriend of 9 years. Before I turned 31, I got a promotion at work – something I have been aiming for all along.
Looking back, my life had been full of ups and downs – like a roller coaster ride. I never once did regret the decisions I made. Because my parents had the courage to dream big for me, I was able to achieve a whole lot more. I can never thank God enough for all the blessings. Moreso, I can never begin to thank my parents for making it all possible. They may not have achieved a lot in their lives, but I will never be where I am today if not for the sacrifices they made to make it possible.
When I got my first car, a close friend asked what a poor girl from the Philippines felt. There was one word to describe it – “blessed”.
I was born to a modest family of four. We had very little when we were growing up, but that did not stop my parents from dreaming big for their children. They gave us opportunities they never had – education they couldn’t even afford. Relatives and friends have told them that they were too ambitious, sending kids to reputable schools while we barely had anything to eat. Many times in the past, I almost stopped schooling because we couldn’t pay my school fees. It was then that I witnessed God’s hand at work. I even remembered crying almost every night – praying and begging to finish school.
As as student, I was dead serious about it. I made sure I had good grades - even qualifying for partial scholarships. In college, I had been a working student, sometimes coming to class with only transportation fee going in, but didn’t have money going home. I would make my classmates’ assignments, programs, term papers, book reports, in order to get a freebie lunch, an occasional ride home, or transportation fare to go home. It was tough, but I was a survivor.
I couldn’t forget the day when I finally graduated from college. My mom had tears in her eyes while walking down the aisle with me. She was very happy and very, very proud. I was in cloud nine. My graduation had been a tribute to my parents, and to close family who helped us get there. It was such an impossible dream come true.
I got my first job, but we were also evicted from the home I was born and raised in. My father’s family had to sell the property because he couldn’t keep up with the payments. It was sad, but it signalled a new beginning for the three of us – my mom, my brother, and me. I became the family’s breadwinner, and I accepted it wholeheartedly. They gave up a lot of things for me, and I was not going to leave them on their own. With a measly salary, I knew I had to find the means to work overseas – where there are plenty of opportunities, and where I can help my family even more.
After two jobs in the Philippines, my prayers were heard. I found myself leaving for San Francisco in 1997. Embarking on a new Information Technology career in 1998. Got my first car in September of 1998, 2 days past my birthday. I was 25 then, but a whole new world seemed to have opened up for me.
I was 24 when I set foot in the US, and got employed at theworld’s leading credit card company. At 27, I had a house built for my family in the Philippines. By the time I turned 28, I co-owned a house in California with my roommate of almost four years. At 30, I was married to my boyfriend of 9 years. Before I turned 31, I got a promotion at work – something I have been aiming for all along.
Looking back, my life had been full of ups and downs – like a roller coaster ride. I never once did regret the decisions I made. Because my parents had the courage to dream big for me, I was able to achieve a whole lot more. I can never thank God enough for all the blessings. Moreso, I can never begin to thank my parents for making it all possible. They may not have achieved a lot in their lives, but I will never be where I am today if not for the sacrifices they made to make it possible.
Information Technology – from boom to burst!
When I first came to the United Statest in 1997, the demand for Information Technology (IT) professionals was so overwhelming. This was in line with Year 2000 conversion. In fact, an experienced techie can pick and choose the job they want, and they can even demand their prices. The trend continued on with the Dot-com boom. People in IT find themselves millionaires on paper as prices of these start-up companies soared sky-high at the stock exchange. Enrollment for IT courses was at all-time high. It was certainly the field to be in – where money is believed to grow on trees, and where endless work hours are matched with stock options worth millions.
Seven years into the future and the table has turned. Dot-com millionaires are now worth nothing – their stock options worthless. Worse, a lot of them are now unemployed! Students who took up IT courses are now in dilemma as to where they’d find the job when they graduate. Those currently employed are hanging on to their dear jobs. It’s a tough world to be in now, and it gets worse everyday. Layoffs continue to happen, companies have stopped hiring, benefits are being cut down. People are working as hard as ever – not because they have padded pockets, but because those that were laid off will never be replaced, while projects continued to pour in. Add to this the fact that companies outsource some of their IT functions to save, taking American jobs away.
You can say it’s stressful – stressful to think that you might be next in line. Stressful to think of what’ll happen to those who got the ax – people who have families, mortgages, bills to pay for, kids to send to school.
Where do you go from here? We can only hope that things will turn for the better. While employed, we must continue to look for other alternatives and educate ourselves on other skills, so when our turns come, we’re ready to shift. It’s sad… but IT boom is long gone. The bubble has burst, and we ought to deal with it and go with the changing times.
When I first came to the United Statest in 1997, the demand for Information Technology (IT) professionals was so overwhelming. This was in line with Year 2000 conversion. In fact, an experienced techie can pick and choose the job they want, and they can even demand their prices. The trend continued on with the Dot-com boom. People in IT find themselves millionaires on paper as prices of these start-up companies soared sky-high at the stock exchange. Enrollment for IT courses was at all-time high. It was certainly the field to be in – where money is believed to grow on trees, and where endless work hours are matched with stock options worth millions.
Seven years into the future and the table has turned. Dot-com millionaires are now worth nothing – their stock options worthless. Worse, a lot of them are now unemployed! Students who took up IT courses are now in dilemma as to where they’d find the job when they graduate. Those currently employed are hanging on to their dear jobs. It’s a tough world to be in now, and it gets worse everyday. Layoffs continue to happen, companies have stopped hiring, benefits are being cut down. People are working as hard as ever – not because they have padded pockets, but because those that were laid off will never be replaced, while projects continued to pour in. Add to this the fact that companies outsource some of their IT functions to save, taking American jobs away.
You can say it’s stressful – stressful to think that you might be next in line. Stressful to think of what’ll happen to those who got the ax – people who have families, mortgages, bills to pay for, kids to send to school.
Where do you go from here? We can only hope that things will turn for the better. While employed, we must continue to look for other alternatives and educate ourselves on other skills, so when our turns come, we’re ready to shift. It’s sad… but IT boom is long gone. The bubble has burst, and we ought to deal with it and go with the changing times.
Ten months and going strong...
I could not have picked a better husband when I married my best friend and my soulmate ten months ago. When I first came to the U.S. in 1997, exactly three years into our relationship, friends told me I would soon forget about Clifford and that I will soon find someone new. I didn’t know what to expect then, but I let each day decide our fate. I guess we both did not expect it would end this way. Looking back, I should have taken bets and I would've won. We have endured the loneliness of a long distance relationship and we are now happily married to each other.
Growing up, I always had fond daydreams of how the love of my life would look like, and be like. In a way, I have always dreamt of someone perfect – someone whom women have a lot of trouble finding because they really don’t exist. Clifford’s my reality. He may not be the one I’ve dreamt of while I was growing up, but he certainly is the one I prayed for. I did not pray for someone perfect – I just prayed for someone I deserved – someone who will love me for who I am. I will forever be thankful because God heard my prayers.
The poem I composed which we incorporated in our invitation summed up everything about us:
Our paths have crossed,
Our lives have met,
Our destiny was chosen.
With God’s grace and guidance,
Forevermore we pray to share.
Sure, we’re still miles apart. I still get frustrated about our situation. I still cry at times because I wanted him beside me. But our love has endured the distance. It’s just a matter of time now and I know we’ll finally be together – never to part ways again. What matters most is that I am his’ and he is mine. What we have, nobody can take away.
I could not have picked a better husband when I married my best friend and my soulmate ten months ago. When I first came to the U.S. in 1997, exactly three years into our relationship, friends told me I would soon forget about Clifford and that I will soon find someone new. I didn’t know what to expect then, but I let each day decide our fate. I guess we both did not expect it would end this way. Looking back, I should have taken bets and I would've won. We have endured the loneliness of a long distance relationship and we are now happily married to each other.
Growing up, I always had fond daydreams of how the love of my life would look like, and be like. In a way, I have always dreamt of someone perfect – someone whom women have a lot of trouble finding because they really don’t exist. Clifford’s my reality. He may not be the one I’ve dreamt of while I was growing up, but he certainly is the one I prayed for. I did not pray for someone perfect – I just prayed for someone I deserved – someone who will love me for who I am. I will forever be thankful because God heard my prayers.
The poem I composed which we incorporated in our invitation summed up everything about us:
Our paths have crossed,
Our lives have met,
Our destiny was chosen.
With God’s grace and guidance,
Forevermore we pray to share.
Sure, we’re still miles apart. I still get frustrated about our situation. I still cry at times because I wanted him beside me. But our love has endured the distance. It’s just a matter of time now and I know we’ll finally be together – never to part ways again. What matters most is that I am his’ and he is mine. What we have, nobody can take away.
Emotions on "The Passion of the Christ"
I cried when He was arrested.
I wept when He fell from the bridge and was suspended by chains
My heart ached when He was presented to the people for judgement
I shed tears when He was flagellated
I sobbed when His captors crowned Him with thorns
I sniffed when He carried His cross and fell several times
It tore my heart to pieces when He was crucified
My heart went out for His Mother silently witnessing it all
What did He ever do to deserve such kind of pain and suffering?
He loved me!
I cried when He was arrested.
I wept when He fell from the bridge and was suspended by chains
My heart ached when He was presented to the people for judgement
I shed tears when He was flagellated
I sobbed when His captors crowned Him with thorns
I sniffed when He carried His cross and fell several times
It tore my heart to pieces when He was crucified
My heart went out for His Mother silently witnessing it all
What did He ever do to deserve such kind of pain and suffering?
He loved me!
My thoughts on "The Passion of The Christ"
I was listening to the radio on my way to work this morning and I got pissed off at this DJ who was blabbering about how "The Passion of The Christ" should flop, etc, etc. He was so mad at why the Jews are being persecuted in the movie as those responsible for Jesus' 12 final hours. Well, helloooo - that's old news, unless you haven't heard of "The Bible"????!!!! Why not look at it at a different perspective then - that it is actually OUR SINS that brought Him pain and suffering beyond compare! I'm sure the graphic details contained on the film is not even close to what actually happened thousands of years ago. I was so aching to call the radio station and challenge him on it. Unfortunately, the phone number was never advertised.
As I tuned in to a different radio station (which I liked), the DJ was talking about how big a commotion this movie is creating. There are lots of protests going around to stop the film from being shown tomorrow. But, the DJ went on saying "those who've actually seen the film became changed persons afterwards". See? If only everyone will watch it with open minds and hearts, I bet the world will be a better place! No more senseless killings, violence, terrorism, war.
Having said that, you couldn't blame me for not being able to understand why the big protest regarding the movie. As far as I'm concerned, it's an amazing film. I salute Mel Gibson for touching on a topic that most people in Hollywood wouldn't dare make a film on for fear of what people will think. This movie is already making a big impact, and I really pray it becomes successful at attracting viewers. I also don't understand why we spend a lot of time patronizing Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and other films while people protest on a realistic movie about
Christ's Passion! Are we so scared at seeing Him at His worst suffering in payment for our sins?
A friend told me yesterday that during Sunday's service, their Pastor encouraged them to see the movie. Even the Pope had positive feedback regarding the film (I just forgot his two words to describe it). It's a must-see friends - and I wouldn't dare miss it for the world. I think it's the best $6 I'll ever spend! I normally wait for the movie to come out on DVD, but this one, I just have to see really soon. In
fact, I have made plans to see it with 5 other friends on Sunday. We'll order our tickets this early on to be assurred of seats. And if there are protesters outside the theater, I'd look them in the eye with a smile on my face as I go in to see the movie!
Breathe in... breathe out...
There, I said my piece...
It's me,
Mickee <== still fuming mad at how people with
pea-sized brains can call themselves critics and
influence others on their way of thinking!
I was listening to the radio on my way to work this morning and I got pissed off at this DJ who was blabbering about how "The Passion of The Christ" should flop, etc, etc. He was so mad at why the Jews are being persecuted in the movie as those responsible for Jesus' 12 final hours. Well, helloooo - that's old news, unless you haven't heard of "The Bible"????!!!! Why not look at it at a different perspective then - that it is actually OUR SINS that brought Him pain and suffering beyond compare! I'm sure the graphic details contained on the film is not even close to what actually happened thousands of years ago. I was so aching to call the radio station and challenge him on it. Unfortunately, the phone number was never advertised.
As I tuned in to a different radio station (which I liked), the DJ was talking about how big a commotion this movie is creating. There are lots of protests going around to stop the film from being shown tomorrow. But, the DJ went on saying "those who've actually seen the film became changed persons afterwards". See? If only everyone will watch it with open minds and hearts, I bet the world will be a better place! No more senseless killings, violence, terrorism, war.
Having said that, you couldn't blame me for not being able to understand why the big protest regarding the movie. As far as I'm concerned, it's an amazing film. I salute Mel Gibson for touching on a topic that most people in Hollywood wouldn't dare make a film on for fear of what people will think. This movie is already making a big impact, and I really pray it becomes successful at attracting viewers. I also don't understand why we spend a lot of time patronizing Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and other films while people protest on a realistic movie about
Christ's Passion! Are we so scared at seeing Him at His worst suffering in payment for our sins?
A friend told me yesterday that during Sunday's service, their Pastor encouraged them to see the movie. Even the Pope had positive feedback regarding the film (I just forgot his two words to describe it). It's a must-see friends - and I wouldn't dare miss it for the world. I think it's the best $6 I'll ever spend! I normally wait for the movie to come out on DVD, but this one, I just have to see really soon. In
fact, I have made plans to see it with 5 other friends on Sunday. We'll order our tickets this early on to be assurred of seats. And if there are protesters outside the theater, I'd look them in the eye with a smile on my face as I go in to see the movie!
Breathe in... breathe out...
There, I said my piece...
It's me,
Mickee <== still fuming mad at how people with
pea-sized brains can call themselves critics and
influence others on their way of thinking!
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